Our third offering of funny poems about school focuses on that most despised of school fixtures, the teacher. I know you just adore the paragons of virtue who teach you, but kind, caring, competent teachers don't make for funny poems. Instead, you'll have to suffer poems about the cruel, crazy and malodorous school masters and mistresses that Paul and I suffered as school pupils sometime during the last century.
A poem about the frustrations of primary education. You're torn from the bosom of your loving family and dumped at this strange establishment (school) where every sentence spoken by a teacher begins with the words 'You must not'. And then you're told that you're facing an 11 year sentence with no remission for good behaviour.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
4-7
Pre-school, KS1
8 lines
Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”.
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'
Back to the relative normality of a poem about a maths lesson at school. Why is the currency of mathematics always apples? Please write your answer on one side of a grapefruit.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-9
KS1, KS2
8 lines
I buy seven apples
At the supermarket
But I eat five myself
And I give one to Brett.
After my eating and
giving, what do I get?
Bad stomach ache, Miss,
And a new teacher's pet.
Every so often you'll meet a teacher who can be diverted into talking about anything other than the subject they're meant to teach. Whole lessons, weeks or even terms can be spent on these idle diversions.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-13
KS1, KS2, KS3
8 lines
Thank you for being our teacher
You really taught us lots
About the solar system,
The moon, black holes, sun spots.
Thanks to your stellar teaching,
We love astronomy,
But weren't you meant to take us
For trigonometry?
A schoolboy accused of copying his brother's homework has a cast iron defence. Except that the star witness in the case is a...
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
5-10
KS1, KS2
6 lines
The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled 'my cat'
And it is almost exactly the same as your brother's
What do you have to say to that?"
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat.”
A hilarious poem which it's wise to keep up your sleeve until that moment when you really, really want to wind your teacher up.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
5-13
KS1, KS2, KS3
4 lines
Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher.”
A funny poem in which we once again meet the hapless Miss Tibbs, who is trying to teach a point of grammar to pupils who are too bright for their own good. If a funny poem about grammar isn't enough to put you off, the poem is also extraordinarily long and the poem's title, A Capital Offence, is a little riddle which provides the answer to Miss Tibbs's initial question to the class.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
12 lines
What should you start
a sentence with?
Miss Tibbs angrily asked
The pupils in her class.
With what should you start a sentence?
Would be better grammar,
Stated Tom, the smart-arse.
My Mother's sentences always
Start with the word 'Don't',
Added Dick, the class clown.
No, said Harry, every sentence
Starts with the court hearing
At which you are sent down.
And now, ten years later,
Tom's a copywriter
Dick's a headmaster
Harry's a barrister
And Miss Tibbs? Miss Tibbs
Is still a teacher.
If you're alarmed by a poem about a school mistress being called Love and Kisses? you're perhaps right to be. Or is there a completely innocent explanation for this after school assignation?
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
6 lines
The class swots get lots
Of ticks and 'well dones',
But I just get lots
Of Miss's Kisses
And a cryptic note
'See me after school'.
A poem about school which turns out to have an unlikely twist in its tail when we discover that the teacher has decided to participate in 'Bring Your Pet To School Day' as well.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-11
KS1, KS2
12 lines
Charlotte brought a cockerel
And Hal a dozen hens
Paul brought a porcupine
And made us all quill pens
Gordon brought his goldfish
But sadly not its bowl
Hamish brought his hamster
(Later eaten by Al's owl)
Thomas brought his tortoise
Which strangely arrived late
And teacher brought his pet
A swotty girl called Kate
A poem about a teacher who is not all he seems. Yes, it's slightly rude, but not nearly rude enough to be included with the really rude poems.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
5 lines
My teacher is an alien
A spotted it in class
He's seven mouths, scaly skin
And talks out of his…
…aren't teachers strange creatures
To conclude proceedings, a short silly poem that sums up everything I know or care about mathematics.
Patrick Winstanley
Short Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
6 lines
Addition
Subtraction
Division
Distraction
Long division
Long distraction.
