If you're a glutton for punishment, both physically and metaphorically, then there's plenty more for you to enjoy in this further selection of funny poems about school.
You've probably been taught by the odd teacher (I was taught by some very odd teachers) who simply wasn't up to the job. I hope, for your sake, that you've never experienced a teacher as disastrous as the infamous Miss Pelling.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
8 lines
Miss Pelling teaches English
I'm not sure that she should
Her writing is atrocious
Her reading's not much good
Miss Pelling taught us English
She left some time ago
I think she was dyslexic
I am, sew I shood no!
A poem about a boy's feelings of apprehension as he waits outside the headmaster's study. Will he be caned? Well, I have described it as a Knock Knock, No Joke!
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
12 lines
Waiting
Waiting
I've a frog in my throat
Butterflies in my belly
My palms are all sweaty
My legs feel like jelly
Knock Knock
Come in
I was right to be scared
Because it seems I'm to blame
So it's six of the best
And my bottom's aflame
A companion poem to Outside the Headmaster's Study 1 which is both much funnier and less cruel, and has an interesting twist in the tail.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
12 lines
Waiting
Waiting
I've a frog in my throat
My heart is aflutter
My palms are all clammy
My legs feel like butter
Knock Knock
Come in
I wasn't really scared
Me, I'm never in trouble
My Dad's the headmaster
He just wants a cuddle
A humorous poem about a pupil's nightmare moment at class.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
5-11
KS1, KS2, KS3
6 lines
When I was at school
When I was just a lad
What was embarrassing
And made me very sad
Was the day I called
The history teacher Dad
If you go to day school, this poem about the daily torture of dragging yourself out of bed in the morning will strike a chord.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-11
KS1, KS2
8 lines
I check my watch
It's ten to eight
I must get up
Or I'll be late
I stretch, I yawn
I scratch my head
Perhaps I'll just
Go back to bed
An unsettling poem about that strange institution, the English boarding school. Boarding schools have distinctly different effects on mothers, who pine for their missing offspring, and boys, who after a few days of term may forget they ever had parents.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
8 lines
The empty bed
The teddy bear
Do not linger
I am not here
Please do not cry
I will return
In just eight weeks
It'll be half term
Paul's poem about a teacher trying to flog copies of the school photograph reaches a funny, if slightly macabre, conclusion.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
12 lines
The school had been photographed
All of the children and all the staff
The proofs had come back promptly
And the teacher’s task was simply
Persuading them to buy a copy then
"Just think how nice it will be when
You will be able to look at it one day
When you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
‘that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back then said
'And there's the teacher, she's dead'."
A poem about a lunch in the cafeteria of a Catholic school. It is not an anti-catholic poem, but the humour of the piece depends on appreciation of the twin Catholic traits of piety and self-belief. If you're offended, you're probably a Catholic. If you're seeking revenge, Paul wrote it!
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
12 lines
At a Catholic school at lunch time one day
As the children queued up in an orderly way
The first thing that confronted the pupils
On the end of the counter was a large pile of apples.
By the apples a nun had written a note saying
"Take only ONE because God is watching."
As they made their way along the counter
The canteen rang out with childish laughter
Chocolate chip cookies stood in a large pile
With a label which made them all smile.
A child had written a note for the pupils,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
If you think missing school might be fun, pity poor Sleeping Beauty who awakes to a horrible shock having missed a whole year of school work.
Kate Williams
Rhyming Poem
5-8
KS1, KS2
5 lines
While Sleeping Beauty lay asleep
her school work lay in wait –
a hefty heap, six metres deep,
with a note on saying
‘LATE!’
The first of two funny poems that will appeal to the budding physicists amongst you. Is there anyone out there?
Paul Curtis
Short Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
4 lines
Two hydrogen atoms were walking along
One said, 'I think I've lost an electron'.
'Are you sure?' was the other's interrogative
The first said, 'Oh Yes, I'm positive... '
There can't be too many poems that begin 'A neutron walks into a bar'. I did warn you.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
7 lines
A neutron walks into a bar
"I'd like a beer" he asked
The barman serves up a beer
Promptly as he was tasked
"How much will that be?"
Asks the neutron
"For you? No charge."
A poem about homework, which I must confess was inspired by, but in no way resembles, an amusing poem entitled My Dog Ate My Homework by an American Childrens poet called Kenn Nesbitt.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
12 lines
I get up bright and early
Raring to go to school,
I peer into the larder
Where I'd left 'it' to cool.
But I find an empty plate,
Where last night 'it' had stood
And a note, in jam, from Dad,
"Yum, that was mighty good."
I trudged to school dejected,
I couldn't hide the fact,
Dad ate my Food Tech homework,
But who would swallow that?
A poem of epic proportions about an apparently innocuous classroom exercise set by an inquisitive teacher. If you could swap one of your features to improve your looks, what would it be?
A first guest poem by Angela, who is perhaps a future guest poet. If the poem has a moral, it is that teachers are on safer ground if they stick to asking pupils real, rather than hypothetical, questions.
Angela Reddaway
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
32 lines
Teacher came into our classroom today
She told us to get out our books
And write down what features we'd swap if we could
To try and improve our own looks
I've got ears like jaffa cakes, Oliver said
At least that's what Mum says to me
If Gareth Bale swapped his footballer's ears
What a handsome young man I would be
Lydia loves some nice haddock and chips
But she gets it all over her face
She says if she had Taylor Swift's pretty lips
She'd keep it all in the right place
Justin Bieber said Ethan, who sings on T.V.
Has got a magnificent mop
I really do dislike my tight ginger curls
I wish he would do me a swap
Brown eyes says Lucas, how dreamy is that
Instead of a zombie-like blue?
If I had Zayn Maliks, instead of my own
Dear Emma, I'd hypnotize you
Declan Donnelly's grin is the greatest
Not crooked like mine is, said Fee
You'd think as he's got all he wants from the world
He'd hand his great smile on to me
Each one in the class thought of something
That they felt would enhance their own face
At the end of the lesson, just one boy
Hadn't found any bits to replace
The teacher asked Danny politely
You think you're alright I suppose?
Yes Miss, I'd happily choose both my hair and my eyes
And I'd just as soon pick my own nose.
