I must confess that I wasn't ever so keen on sport when I was at school. I was the right size and shape to play in the front row at rugby and I loved it, but football seemed to involve lots of running about aimlessly and cricket was just a good excuse for making daisy chains. Paul Curtis, our Poet in Residence, is the absolute opposite, someone who adores sport and writes funny poems about lots of different sports. At the moment, the selection of funny sports poem is fairly evenly divided between Paul's poems extolling the virtues of sport and my sports poems, which are in reality mostly anti-sport poems.
A poem with lots of lovely alliteration - slipping, sliding, slapping, slopping - and a clarion call to boys who want to take up more interesting hobbies than the usual laddish pursuits of football and fighting.
Patrick Winstanley
Alliteration Poetry
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
4 lines
Sliding, slipping, gliding, tripping
If ice skating's too exhilarating
Try cake icing, it's quite exciting
Slapping, slopping, frosted topping.
The first time I read this poem I found it a bit scary, but it's got a funny twist in the tail. I like to think that it's a poem about rugby, as it reminds me of the sweaty exertion of the rugby scrum and the complete exhaustion that followed. Paul, who wrote the poem, assures me that it's about football and he should know best.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
6-14
KS2, KS3
16 lines
To my chest my
Hands I clasp
I deeply breathe
I wheeze and gasp
My temples throb
My mouth is dry
My heart beats fast
I’m going to die
My voice has gone
My throat is sore
My hands both shake
I can take no more
I lay my head
Upon my knee
Now blow the whistle
Referee.
Have you ever sat through morning lessons with the rain lashing against the windows, praying that afternoon games will be cancelled because of the weather? Be very careful about what you wish for, as you might very well find that it's a case of 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
5-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
8 lines
It's too rainy for rugby,
Too foggy for football.
It's too icy for hockey,
There'll be no games at all?
Not so. Come hail and tempest,
The master of cunning
Will, with a sly smile, suggest
Some cross country running.
Hot air ballooning might not be a proper sport, but it's fun, it's relaxing, and it's really quite dangerous. Or should that be pointless?
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
9-14
KS2, KS3
16 lines
Of all the pastimes
Which defy all logic
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic
You take off
With no controls to ponder
At the mercy of the wind
Into the great blue yonder
Floating up and away
Heart fit to blow a gasket
Gripping the hand rail
And stood in a picnic basket
A Bunsen burner flames
Under a piece of fabric
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic.
A funny football poem about Bill Casey, the team captain and star player of Botley United Football Club. If you've never heard of Botley United, it's probably because they're not much good!
Paul Curtis
Short Rhyming Poem
5-12
KS1, KS2, KS3
4 lines
Billy Casey is the Botley United F.C. team captain
He’s just bettered his club scoring record again
In ninety matches he’s now scored twenty-three
He’s second highest scorer now just behind o.g.
The title of the poem is taken from the traditional English saying 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again'. Not always the most sensible advice, as we discover in Paul's funny poem about... No, I'm not going to spoil it by telling you what sport it's about.
Paul Curtis
Short Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
4 lines
'If at first you don't succeed',
Said Robert the Bruce the King.
If at first you don't succeed,
Then you shouldn't try skydiving.
There is a long and venerable tradition of children's poets writing funny poems about people peeing in swimming pools. The setting for this poem is the seaside, which opens up a whole ocean of possibilities.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
6-14
KS1, KS2, KS3
8 lines
I love the coast, the beach, the sea
But something always niggles me
Sand in the sandwiches
Wasps in the tea
On with trunks and into the sea
The thing that really pleases me
Is to think how dilute
The pee must be.
More swimming fun, but this time of a more serious swimming gala variety. If enjoying swimming is a sign of mild mental derangement, a desire to take part in high board diving competitions is much more serious still.
Patrick Winstanley
Rhyming Poem
7-14
KS2, KS3
8 lines
Breast stroke, back stroke,
Butterfly, crawl.
It's sink or swim,
Winner takes all.
Back flip, half pike,
Somersault, splat.
Which joker let
The water out?
There are two types of skiing, downhill skiing and uphill skiing. Only joking, the second type of skiing is known as langlauf or cross country skiing. Paul's poem is about this second type of skiing, which is both exhausting and rather pointless. Like most exercise, I suppose.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
6 lines
If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country
A funny poem about scuba diving, which is leads us towards an inescapable, but painful, truth.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
6 lines
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
Paul's poem The Natural is about a footballer who... go on, read it. It'll save me trying to explain.
Paul Curtis
Short Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
4 lines
As a footballer I must confess
My skills locker is somewhat bereft
I am a naturally two footed player
But unfortunately both of them are left
As the title suggests, a humorous poem about rambling, in all possible sense of the word. Except the poem itself is short, rather than rambling.
Paul Curtis
Rhyming Poem
8-14
KS2, KS3
lines
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
A pantomimic poke. Or for those new to the site, a joke in the form of a poem which has elements of pantomime. Oh, I almost forgot to mention it's about football.
Paul Curtis
Pantomimic Poetry
8-14
KS2, KS3
16 lines
Aladdin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear
"I want to live forever"
Aladdin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”
“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”
“Do you have your wish?”
Aladdin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"
If you've enjoyed the funny poems about sport, you shouldn't miss our hilarious new collection of Olympic poems for kids. Find out why it can be as tough to be a spectator as an Olympic athlete. Experience the thrills and spills of athletes competing at the highest level. Discover why the Irish squad has to compete in their underwear. Win your own gold medal for Olympic endurance.
